Dear Kanda, I Have A Problem
by resident.crackwhores
Summary: Dear Kanda, I have a problem." Yuu Kanda is the most popular advice columnist in the country and also... the crankiest. After landing a job at the Black Order lifestyle magazine, he realizes that the problems aren't just his readers'. They're his. CRACK.


Kanda, I Have A Problem

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"Dear Kanda, I have a problem." Yuu Kanda is the most popular advice columnist in the country and also... the crankiest. After landing a job at the Black Order lifestyle magazine, he realizes that the problems aren't just his readers'. They're his.

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Main Relationship Focus: Randomness  
Genres: Drama, Friendship, General, Humor, Parody, Romance and more HUMOR.  
Rating: T for innuendo and language  
Length: Epic  
Warnings: Mentions of Homosexuality & Porn. This is a CRACK fic.  
Disclaimers: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Katsura Hoshino, various publishers including but not limited to Shueisha, Viz Media and Madman Entertainment. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
Notes: This is a collaboration. LOL.

Without further ado, the resident crack whores present Chapter 1 of Dear Kanda, I Have A Problem. Enjoy!

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Chapter I: smexgodkanda[dot]com

"You're Yuu Kanda?"

Everyone stared at the tall supermodel who just walked in through the door in a white dress shirt, with the top three buttons undone, leaving a smooth chiselled expanse of chest for ogling, and a pair of tailored black slacks that made his long legs go on for miles. His breathtaking features were sharp and defined; a stunning Oriental beauty with his long black hair, not one strand out of place, in a perfect high ponytail. There was only one word that could be used to describe the Asian.

Totally-out-of-this-world.

The eyes didn't stray as the man, a perfect vision of manly perfection, removed a black jacket, and shoved it towards a staff member with a quick glare and a "Take this." They didn't stray as he strode down the room towards an office, still full with boxes and fresh from repainting. They didn't stray as the Adonis raised an inky eyebrow and opened his mouth to say…

"You've got a fucking problem with that?"

That slapped everyone out of his or her staring trance. Allen widened his eyes and asked breathlessly, "You're our new advice columnist?"

The newest employee of Black Order Lifestyle Magazine replied scathingly, while his gorgeous almond shaped eyes narrowed.

"Yes, unless I was uninformed of my last minute change of identity," the Japanese man sneered, "Beansprout."

Allen gasped, outraged at the jab. "Why I'd never! I'm – "

Kanda sneered again, interrupting the white-haired boy, "Save it for someone who cares," he smirked, "Moron."

The tall Asian man turned to the rest of the staff.

Everyone was still staring.

Kanda rolled his eyes, "Tch, great. From one fucking moronic place to another."

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: blubberblubber[at]badboyfriend[at]com

Subject: Advice

Dear Kanda,

My boyfriend broke up with me again, for the fifth time in a row... Which would have been fine if it hadn't meant that he was cheating on me with my grandma, who's eighty years old, senile, and speaks only in Shakespearean English. I'm heartbroken, but also kind of insulted- mainly because apparently she's better than me in bed, too. Is there anything you could recommend for me so that I could improve upon my behaviour (and my sex life)?

I'll take practical lessons any day, baby. 123-4567; you know what number to call.

Kisses,

Sexy Kitten xxoo

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To: hevlaska[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Reply attached. Publish for column.

Dear Kitten,

I suggest you forward your e-mail to a whorehouse. You'll get plenty of practice and STDs there. No wait. That's where you're mailing from, right?

Here's a suggestion. Either join a convent and become a nun or take some chicken wire and tie your legs together. Maybe they'll actually stay that way.

Signed,

Kanda Yuu

Advice Columnist

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: ayehayt[dot]maijobb[at]thisplacesucks[dot]com

Subject: Advice

Dear Kanda,

I've been stuck in this dead-end job for years, years of my life! Everything I do seems to slowly suck me into this horrible, hateful abyss of doom and gloom, and nothing I say to my boss seems to be able to please him!

I don't think that there's anybody that could make this job better, and I'd quit but the pay's too good and the boss has threatened to fire me if I quit, and I'm scared that I'll offend someone and that nobody will hire me again and that the rest of my life is going to be stuck in a place like this! Plus all my co-workers do anal things like tucking in their shirts and trying to polish my desk and sweeping my cubicle and killing the lizards lying around, and even picking up after me when I drop my Cheetos! I need advice on what I should do next.

Please publish this before they discover the family of cockroaches that live in my closet!

Signed,

Viery Dirtee

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To: hevlaska[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Reply attached. Publish for column.

Dear Viery Dirtee,

Guess what. Your job sucks, just like every other job in the world- absolutely worth whining about. Primetime news tragedy.

Here's my advice for you. Take. A. Bath. Yes. Go to your bathroom, get a shower installed. Any technician with half a rat's brain can do it for you. Get. A. Shower installed. Next thing you need to do is invest in a towel, and some good cleaning equipment. You know, the kind that's actually for your body. Maybe a bar of soap, if you're really keen.

One last piece of advice. Bug spray. Kill all your pets. Animals just take up space and use our oxygen, anyway. Bug spray also works against bean sprouts and one-eyed monster freaks, in case you ever come across them.

Signed,

Kanda Yuu

Advice Columnist

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: thisisnotspam[at]tinnedmeat[dot]com

Subject: ADVICE

DEAR KANDA,

USE OUR PENIS ELONGATING SERVICE! PENIS ELONGATOR FREE WITH EVERY PURCHASE OF SIXTY-FIVE HUNDRED CANS OF SPAM, GURANTEED SUCCESS OR YOUR MONEY AND MANHOOD BACK! TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY.

AND HOW DO I MAKE THE PERFECT CHEESE BAKE I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTTOM AGAIN

HELP,

WHIPPED CREAM

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To: hevlaska[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Reply attached. Publish for column.

Dear Whipped,

(link)Recipe for perfect cheese bake(link)

Your spam mail up your ass.

Signed,

Kanda Yuu

Advice Columnist

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: pinknhawtspyce[at]kissme[dot]com

Subject: Advice

Dear Kanda,

I, like, broke a nail! Is it like, possible for you to like, tell me how I can, like, salvage my reputation? And, like, could I have your, like, number? Cause if I could date you I'd, like so win Homecoming Queen for the next two years, oh my GOD! And where did you, like, get your hair done? It's, like, so hot. I want to know, like, what conditioner you use!

Yeah baby, you're, like, totally HOT too,

Muahz,

g0$$1p kw33n

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To: hevlaska[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Reply attached. Publish for column.

Queen,

Here's what I'd do. Instead of running to the nearest pedicurist, I'd actually, _like_, get some speech therapy. You aren't going to have much of a reputation if you feel the need to spout random verbs. I'd also get myself some brains while you're at it. I believe that's what The Body Shop is for.

Lastly, I wash my hair with soap. But for conditioner, I use L'Oreal Silky Smooth. The combination works fine on most days for most hair types except oily.

Signed,

Kanda Yuu

Advice Columnist

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To: hevlaska[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: My column

Hevlaska,

Nobody told me that the readers of Black Order were so goddamn stupid.

I demand a raise.

Kanda Yuu

Advice Columnist

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: HEY YUU, NEW KID!

Yuu-chan, a bunch of us are going to the new bar across the road, Asia Branch, after work. Wanna come with? I've heard that their new waitress Lou Fa's pretty hot~ If you like that kind of glasses-girl, that is. What do you say?

Yuurs,

Lavi

Head of Archives

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To: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Re: HEY YUU, NEW KID!

Lavi,

Don't call me Yuu-chan.

Signed,

Kanda

Advice Columnist

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: HEY YOU YUU!

Lavi,

HEY YOU YUU! I'll take that as a yes X)

You'd better be ready for the... you-know-what-happens-to-new-guys-at-work! Just don't tell Komui that we invited Lenalee along and we'll be good ;) You should see how she dances when she gets a little bit of Bailey's and a little bit of vodka into her system. STRIKE!

Yuurs,

Lavi

Head of Archives

P.S: I say she's 8/10 for figure, 9/10 for personality. You?

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To: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Re: HEY YOU YUU!

Don't call me Yuu-chan. And stop using work e-mail for personal issues. You're just clogging up my mailbox with your spam.

I am not following you to the bar. I have better things to do than watch a group of drunken males dance on bartops with their shirts half-unbuttoned, like watching paint dry, for example.

Now shut up, I have to polish Mugen and buy something to eat. The tempura soba here isn't springy or light enough on the palate.

Signed,

Kanda

Advice Columnist

P.S: Stop it. She's not bad looking.

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: YUU CRANK THAT SOULJA BOY

XD Yuu-chan, stop being such a bore. You know that the thought of a naked Lenalee's enticing you...

Yuurs,

Lavi

Head of Archives

P.S: AHA! I knew it! You like Lenalee! :3

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: oneyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: I LOVE YUU BABY AND THEN IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT

NAKED LENALEE

Yuurs,

Lavi

Head of Archives

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT YUU

ANOTHER NAKED LENALEE

Yuurs,

Lavi

Head of Archives

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: YUU DRIVE ME CRAZY

YET ANOTHER NAKED LENALEE

Yuurs,

Lavi

Head of Archives

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To: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Re: YUU DRIVE ME CRAZY

Lavi,

If I have to hear one more of your bad puns, I am going to pull Mugen on you.

Signed,

Kanda

Advice Columnist

P.S: I refuse to comment.

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To: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: YUU KNOW YUU LOVE ME

Yuu-chan,

Mugen? As in your new laptop? XD

You mean send me a virus? Cause I'm an expert hacker- it's not going to work. Try again, pal. You'll get some better ideas in your head once you've got some alcohol in your system.

Oh, and NAKED LENALEE ;)

Yuurs,

Lavi

Head of Archives

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Without Kanda knowing how the hell it happened, he was standing outside Asian Branch, a rather chic-looking (not that he would tell anyone that) bar with the rest of Black Order's staff. Even Allen who was technically legal.

And well… sans Komui.

As they tried to enter, Allen, predictably, was stopped.

"I think this one is out too late and needs to go back to his mama for his milk."

The intimidating bouncer with bands of steel for muscles crossed his arms threateningly as he loomed over Allen, who gulped as he looked up.

Lavi stepped up with a smile, "Hey, Shi, he's with me. Don't worry, he's legal! He just looks twelve!"

"HEY!" Allen started but everyone ignored him.

The powerfully built bouncer just looked more suspicious, "If he's with you, I've got more reason to be worried."

Lavi smiled sheepishly and Kanda rolled his eyes. Must he do everything?

"Look, the guy is eighteen. If you don't let him in, we'll bring those with us to another club who would let all of us in." Kanda pointed to the line of drooling young women in skimpy clubbing outfits who were blatantly staring at him. At that, the bouncer looked uncertain.

"But…"

Kanda cut him off, "He's smarter than he looks."

"Hey! I'm- mmmmm!" Allen's next words were muffled by Lenalee's hand over his mouth, the bald bouncer narrowed his eyes and the Chinese girl smiled weakly.

"All he's trying to say is thank you and he'll stay out of trouble."

"MMMM!" Allen flung his hands around like a squid out of the water, anxious to get Lenalee's hand off his mouth and nose.

"MMMMMMM!"

"Lenalee, I think Allen is trying to say he needs to breathe." Chaoji gave Allen a sympathetic look while Lenalee released her captive immediately.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!"

Allen gasped, didn't say anything but gave the Chinese girl an evil eye. Ahhhh, oxygen.

"Beansprout, stop breathing so fast. You will hyperventilate." Kanda snapped and everyone stared at him again, even Allen. What?

"…"

Oh right, he was supposed to be this hot, uncaring bastard (legally, that was true) who didn't care about anything else and anyone else but himself. Kanda collected himself and gave the white-haired boy a familiar sneer.

"On second thoughts, please do hyperventilate. Because then you'll die and my life would be sunshine and daisies."

Shi narrowed his eyes, oblivious to the obvious insanity around him, and then nodded once grudgingly, stepping aside for the group and the beat and lyrics of Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music" met their ears. Lavi grinned and whooped with feeling.

"Alright! Let's get smashed!"

Everyone gave him the evil eye. Lavi quieted and smiled sheepishly, "My bad."

And that was the last thing Kanda remembered before he woke up in Allen Walker's bed the next morning.

Topless.

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To: blackhole[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: darkboots[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Something

Allen,

Do you think Kanda is gay?

xoxo

Lenalee Lee

Secretary of the CEO and the OTHER CEO

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To: darkboots[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: blackhole[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Re: Something

Lenalee,

Errr... Errrr... I DON'T KNOW! I... I really don't! No! I don't think so! Just because he got drunk and was in my bed last night doesn't mean anything, how did he get into my house?! adadfjs;sadf;ds;f;dsljfsda;fdsds; NO!!!

Yours truly,

Allen Walker

Food Column

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To: blackhole[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: darkboots[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Re: Re: Something

Allen,

Just because he fell asleep in your bed doesn't mean he's gay- you didn't even share the bed with him, though I would have, you lucky boy :) But you're a boy so you're different. Haha! I was asking the questions because of these... They've been circulating all over the Internet since this morning, so well, I don't know, some of them are quite questionable, no? I mean, the way his face is so close to Lavi's in that last one.

Just look at that body. And those abs! *drools*

xoxo

Lenalee Lee

Secretary of the CEO and the OTHER CEO

P.S: Do you know that they started an Internet shrine for Kanda, I'm totally joining. Here's the link: www[dot]smexgodkanda[dot]com

Attachments:

_Kanda's sexy picture[dot]jpg_

_Kanda's other sexy picture[dot]jpg_

_Kanda with no shirt[dot]jpg_

_Kanda dancing on bar table of Asian Branch singing Ain't No Other Man in his very sexy voice[dot]avi_

_Kanda shaking his butt and singing Touch My Body[dot]avi_

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To: darkboots[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: blackhole[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Something

Lenalee,

Errr.... I really didn't need to see those pictures and those videos!!!

It's not like I needed reminding of what happened last night... I wasn't drunk because I asked for wine and the bartender (his name was Bak-chan and he kept staring at your face) gave me a wine glass. So I thought it'd be okay but I drank it and then that was when I realized he gave me Ribena instead.

So yes. I didn't need the reminding... Sorry! But no, I don't think he's gay... No, I don't think so!

Yours truly,

Allen Walker

Food Column

P.S: I don't need to know about the shrine!!!! I don't want to burn in Hell!!!! I'm going to Church this Sunday, want to come?

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To: blackhole[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: darkboots[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Something

Allen, you're really too innocent... Bak-chan wasn't staring at my face, he was staring at my- oh, never mind, you don't need to know. You're so innocent for an eighteen-year-old. Eighteen!

On another note, so you don't think Kanda's gay, then, do you? I mean, I'm kind of hoping he likes girls myself. :) And I'm pretty sure all the other girls in the office are thinking the same!

Back to work, catch you at lunch later :)

Xoxo

Lenalee Lee

Secretary of the CEO and the OTHER CEO

P.S: Maybe but I'm working on getting Kanda into a bar again, do you think Lavi would help me?

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To: oneeyedwonder[at]blackorder[dot]net

From: kanda[at]blackorder[dot]net

Subject: Last night

Lavi,

Last night never happened. Don't mention it, don't talk about it, and soon enough, the whole of Black Order will forget.

I'm going out to get soba. So don't bug me.

Signed,

Kanda

Advice Columnist

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"What. The. Fuck. Is. This?" Kanda yelled as he burst into his own office, tempura soba with extra onions in hand.

Obscene noises filled the room as slaps, moans and groans from the sound system bounced off the walls, creating a rather superb audio effect. Lavi shrugged without tearing his eyes from the video as he sucked on a raspberry lollipop. He waited for a few moments before answering with a simple, "Porn."

"…." For once, Kanda was speechless. He resisted the urge to run up to Lavi and pummel him into a unrecognizable heap, instead taking in one breath. Two. _Remember anger management_, a voice at the back of his head said to him. _Remember anger management!_

"You… you downloaded porn into Mugen?" Kanda asked, his neatly manicured fingernails digging into the flesh of his palms.

"Wanna watch with us?" Lavi asked, waving a hand flippantly. "It's goood."

Daisya and Chaoji slowly inched away from the computer and out of the room. Lavi's eyes continued to be glued to the screen without any notion of leaving and he also started a mental countdown.

5…

"OH GOD! MORE!" Kanda's left eye twitched.

4…

"YEAH, GIVE IT TO ME, BABY!" Lavi heard knuckles cracking.

3…

The actor groaned with feeling and Kanda's eyes narrowed.

2…

The blonde actress with an impressive chest screamed and Kanda's gorgeous cheekbones slowly flushed with colour.

1…

"YOU FUCKER! YOU FUCKING DOWNLOADED PORN INTO MUGEN! YOU FUCKING CORRUPTED MUGEN! HIS FUCKING INNOCENCE IS FUCKING DESTROYED! I'M GOING TO FUCKING FUCK UP YOUR OTHER FUCKING EYE! YOU FUCKING ONE-EYED PERVERTED FUCKER!"

Lavi smiled through the ranting/strangling session while working on his lollipop, the taste of raspberry trickling down his throat.

Ah… Life was good.

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Hope everyone liked it and here's a teaser to keep you obsessing about this fic until the next chapter:

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"Sex?"

"Mmhmm, I'll explain the process to you later."

"Condoms?"

"Yuu-chan, you really don't know anything about it. Do you? Or has it been too long?"

"..."

"Shut the fuck up."

"..."

"I hope that pun wasn't intended."

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Stay tuned!


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